Kinkkumyrkytys

At this time of year I'd like to make a serious public health announcement and make people aware of a strange, incurable, debilitating disease affecting the majority of people here in Finland at this time.

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Kinkkumyrkytys (eng: hampoisoning)

A debilitating disease suffered around late December and sometimes early January by persons residing in Finland. Thought initially to be a genetic disease of the native Finnish population, it now appears to be some kind of virus that is transmitted to non-natives in that region.

The sufferer experiences symptoms of feeling too full, bloated and some nausea. It also causes the sufferer to lie or sit for extended periods of time; attempts to move or walk cause the above symptoms to become worse.

In a mechanism that is still unexplained the disease affects the vocal centres of the brain rendering the sufferer to emit grunts and be incapable of saying much more than simple sentences. Sufferers have been known to complain bitterly and say phrases such as "Ei ruokaa...", "Ei enää kinkkua taas...".

Curiously regardless of the nationality and language of the sufferer, these phrases are always in Finnish leading to speculation that this is some new class of neurological disorder. Because of the above utterances, it is believed that this is how the disease obtained its name.

In extreme cases the sufferer becomes a vegetable and can only blankly stare at contentless, bright, flashing pictures known as Finnish Christmas TV without comprehension for hours on end. In some serious cases people have been known to binge watch "Vain Elämä" - the prognosis in these cases is however extremely grave bordering on absolutely no hope at all.

Interestingly while sufferers have a complete aversion to roast ham at this time, other foods also cause the sufferers additional agony. These include: mätti (fish eggs), lipeäkala, joululimppu (Christmas bread), various kinds of "laatikko-" food including lanttu (swede), porkkana (carrot) and peruna (potato).

It has been suggested by some researchers that there may be a connection with excessive amounts of Christmas good consumed in Finland. However this research has been extensively denounced as being "pasta" - a Finnish term meaning "obviously not true you ignorant fool...pass me more ham and an extra helping of that lovely lanttulaatikko too!"

A secondary debate on whether lipeäkala is food or a chemical/biological weapon is tending towards the latter.

The symptoms of this disease continue for a number of days and the sufferer returns to full health quickly afterwards. However no immunity is gained and it is likely that the symptoms will reappear at the same time next year,

Some alternative therapists have suggested a treatment called "Tipaton tammikuu" involving consuming homoeopathic amounts of alcohol for a month. This rather dangerous and unethical therapy has been denounced as being "pasta".